Will I Really Miss It?

So, from the very beginning of teacher training, the staff ("staffs" as Manali says) have been telling us how we're going to miss this experience. They tell us over and over again how we'll be missing it...just wait and see. And our response is always and eye roll, a guffaw, something similar. So, my conclusion heading into Week Nine is this...

I will miss it equal and simultaneous, 50/50. In other words, some things, yes, I admit it, I will miss. But some things...not so much.

Went to dinner last night with a few friends. A sort of "last hurrah" since it's our final Saturday night to be totally "free" and yet still "captive." Still haven't gone "off campus" yet. It seems like way too much effort right now and when Mark and Maggie are here next week I know that I'll actually get to experience a different side of Las Vegas. So, while others are heading out on the town in taxis and exploring new places, I am content to "stay at home" and not wander far from the confines of the hotel. I have always enjoyed the comforts of home. Not that this is "home" by any means, but it has been a temporary home for what seems like a long time now.

This temporary home is one thing that I will definitely NOT miss.

At dinner, we decided that we have been here for a long, long time. Nine weeks may not be a 'long, long time," but it sure FEELS that way when we talk about "remember in our second week when..." Gosh...seems like SUCH a long time ago! My friend Lisa said it so well...9 weeks here is like 9 years, really. Everything is so concentrated and accelerated, so we figure we've known each other for a really long time. It's like "dog years." Same principle. And I will truly miss the people that I have come to spend so much time with over the past weeks. That is one thing I will definitely miss.

On Thursday night in posture clinic, we delivered our last posture, Spine Twist. When I was finished, I really did have a moment of nostalgia. Little throat lump. I will miss the support of my group. I will miss watching each of them deliver their dialogue in the way that only they can, showing their true personalities. I would love to take class from any of them, and I know that each class would be different. Will I miss sitting on the floor for hours at a time? Uh...no. But I will miss the smiling happy faces of Group Ten, for sure.

Another reflection from the dinner conversation...will we actually sit on the couch in our homes when we get back...or will we just automatically sit on the floor? Seems like breaking some rule to sit on furniture that is comfortable. Will we look for a sign-in sheet every time we enter our house? Will we bring a bag of ICE to yoga class and sprinkle the cubes around our towel in some crazy sort of ceremonial "blessing of the towel/mat...I know this will help me survive the next 90 minutes ritual" prior to class? Will we eat meals sitting on our bed? Will we ever feel the same way about staying at a hotel? What will it be like to spread our arms out to the side like airplane wings and NOT touch another person? What will it be like to walk into the yoga room and not be obsessed with finding the right spot, because every spot is a good spot? I will not miss the giant yoga "tent" room with the moving ceiling and the moving sheets of mylar "mirrors." (Yes, Honey...I know that word is supposed to have a little trademark symbol or whatever, but I don't think I have that on my computer...is this acknowledgment enough?)

And what about the strange sort of "Pavlovian responses" that we all have now? Like...when you hear a word in random conversation and in your brain, you automatically attach a line of dialogue to it.

Example...someone says "eventually" in a conversation. Bikram yoga teacher's brain says "...in the future." Automatic. No choice.

Example...someone says "solid" and Bikram yoga teacher's brain follows up with "...one piece, lamppost, unbroken." Automatic. No choice.

Example...someone says "hands" and BY teacher's brain attaches "palms" to it. Again. Automatic. No choice.

I could go on and on here.

As Misha, senior teacher here and one of our posture clinic leaders said this week...it's all part of the brainwashing. She said this with a smile, of course. (She has a great dry sense of humor and at the same time she is great with feedback during posture clinic. Plus...she gives you a piece of candy after you have given your dialogue!) Not that it's bad brainwashing...just brainwashing. It's amazing how much you remember without even thinking about it. I am actually glad for the "brainwashing" because I am hoping that this will serve me well when I start to teach. Teachers say there is a point where you can say the dialogue without having to think so much because it is just "in your brain" and that is when you really can focus on other things. I will look forward to that time. I will not "miss" feeling like I can't recall the next word of dialogue.

Now that studying dialogue for posture clinic is over, there is a strange feeling of "what am I doing with my time?" going on inside my head. It seems like I have so much extra time because I am not cramming dialogue into my brain during every spare moment! I used my extra time yesterday to soak in a bath of Epsom salts, start reviewing dialogue postures from weeks ago, open the magazine that I bought during Week One and actually flip through it, and nap. A most restful day, truly needed. Today I will color my hair, type my blog post for the week, Skype with my family, and review dialogue. I almost feel like I should be out having "fun," but I don't know when I'll have such concentrated quiet study time again, so as nerdy as it seems, I'm going to use the day to study. Fun will happen next week when Mark and Maggie arrive.

So...Week Eight. I would say "I'll be brief," but it seems that I am never brief with these posts.

You can always break it up. Go and get some coffee or something and come back later to finish reading. I can't help myself. I don't want to leave anything out.

I was dreading Week Eight. End of Week Seven, my throat was sore and I could feel that I might be coming down with something. I'm sure this had NOTHING to do with being next to Elephant Guy during Week Six and receiving his "gift" of airborne germs. Nonetheless... by last Sunday I was definitely sick, swollen glands in my neck, couldn't breathe through my nose due to congestion, feeling awful. Woke up on Monday morning feeling pretty bad. So, after "crybaby week" the previous week, I was fully anticipating that Week Eight was going to be even worse due to my being sick on top of everything else. Something like "sick crybaby week."

Just goes to show you...never anticipate. Just like in yoga class. You never know what you're gonna get. You think you're gonna have the worst class of your life and it turns out to the the best. Or you think you're gonna be amazing today and then you fall flat on your rear end. It's a big general theme here...not anticipating things, not expecting that things will turn out a certain way. "They" force this philosophy upon you by not telling you too many things in advance, so there is no forward thinking, no planning, and you get used to it. Still, for someone like myself who is a big planner-aheader...it's hard not to have expectations.

Planner-aheader. Another new word. Love it when that happens. I just might miss the time that I have here to reflect on things. And my blogging time. I'll miss that.

I am pleasantly surprised now to look back on Week Eight and say that it was an okay week. Yes, I was sick and I felt pretty miserable for about half of the time, but I made it through. The yoga room was not so ridiculously hot as last week and it was actually possible to complete the classes, (and not just to "survive" the classes) so it turned out okay. I didn't take any cold medicine because of having to be in the hot room twice a day...not a good idea to take medicine that might make you "loopy," for lack of a better term. I slept sort of sitting up at night. And I survived. There was a lot of nose blowing in class (I did bring my own tissues and kept them to myself, in my own space, I might add...Elephant Guy...I'm just sayin') and I did not lower my head for a couple of days due to the pressure of feeling like it might explode...but I survived. The only thing that remains is a little congestion. I was told to "have more energy" during dialogue delivery early in the week...I guess when you feel feverish and sick, you won't have energy for posture clinic, so...whatever. My posture clinic response was "thank you very much" with a smiling happy face. I don't think I'll "miss" posture clinic.

So, with the thought of all of the stuff I might "miss" from teacher training when I get home, I now start to think about "reentry" and what that will be like. I'm thinking about all of the stuff from my "former life" that I have missed since being here. It's a bit of an overwhelming thought, I must admit. And I know that thinking about the future is not what I am supposed to be doing right now. I'm supposed to be "staying present" and not "check out" during this final week which is supposed to be the most fabulous information-filled week of all. But, being a Planner-Aheader, I can't help but think to next month when I return home to real life. I'm looking forward to so many things. I know you don't want me to start on that new topic now, as this blog post is already lengthy enough. I'll save it for another time.

I spoke with Garland yesterday and we talked about putting me on the teaching schedule. Uh...okay. Wait a minute. Now I have to teach??? Wow...I mean I know that is why I came here in the first place and all, but am I really ready to TEACH??? To be responsible for actual students in a real studio and not just my fellow trainees in posture clinic??? How am I going to do that? Will I remember what I am supposed to remember? Lynn Witlow told us this week that "Each and every one of you in this room could teach a class right now if you had to. I know you might not believe me, but it's true. Might not be exactly 90 minutes, every word perfect...but you could do it. You know this yoga so much better than you think you do." So, I have to believe her. Just like I had to believe my Richmond teachers when they said that I could make it through training.

So, reentry.

Who is going to understand me? Who will be able to relate to "the process?" Who will I talk to about it all? All of my fellow trainees are about to spread out to all parts of the world. They won't be around to talk with (okay....to complain about stuff with). I am in such a yoga bubble here...I know it will take some adjusting to be on the outside again. To drive a car. To make my own schedule. To have "freedom." To be an adult, make my own decisions. Wow!

I wonder if this is what prisoners feel like when their time is up and they walk out the gate.

Or maybe that is not such a nice way to put it.

Maybe it's what it feels like when you come out of a rehab facility.

Or maybe that is not such a nice way to put it either.

Maybe it's what it feels like to be released from a mental institution, declared "fit' for public interaction.

Or maybe that is not such a nice way to put it either.

However you put it, I know it will take some adjusting. But from what I understand (and, again...have to believe), I am in for the most rewarding job on the face of the planet. THAT is something to look forward to during my reentry.

And whether or not I'll be missing teacher training days...that question remains to be answered.

Eventually.

In the Future.

First, I have to survive Week Nine.

"Sit down Japanese style...unless you are Japanese...and then just sit down." Marlin from Headquarters who taught our class one morning this week. Hilarious!

"I HATE lazy people!" Bikram

"That's what you pay for." Bikram's comment on numerous occasions during the past 8 weeks, usually after something happens that we don't particularly like. Example...holding Triangle Pose for what seems like an eternity.

"How you guys are doing?" Manali's greeting to us every day before morning class.

"What is wrong? A spider? Don't worry. The spider is part of the process." Manali said this to someone in the front row of the yoga room just prior to the start of class one day when they were freaking out because a spider was crawling near their mat.

"Uh...flower petals don't bloom...has anyone noticed this? I mean...it's a flower PETAL. The entire flower is blooming, not JUST the petal!" My friend Molly talking about funny wording in the dialogue.

"You can NEVER duplicate this noise...even if you tried...you could not make a noise as annoying as this." Marcia said to Molly as we walked through the casino after last night's dinner.

"Wait! Ahhhhh...you guys smell that? Let's all stop here in the middle of the casino, enjoy that cigarette smokey smell, let's do some Pranayama breathing and FILL our lungs with that healthful smell..." Marcia said to the group as we came out of the restaurant and walked through the casino.

"Please don't let those girls be up there next weekend when my 8-year old is here." Marcia says to the group as we observe the table dancers entertaining folks gathered around the poker table in the same casino.