Yes...and No...and Yes

Graduation, Final Thoughts...

Yes, there was an Elvis impersonator.

Yes, he did sing "Viva Las Vegas."

Yes, the last time I heard that song, Fannie was singing a rendition of it in the Stony Point yoga studio for my send-off class.

Yes, that was ten weeks ago!

Yes, there were showgirls...two of them to be precise...escorting Bikram into the ballroom for graduation as only he can enter a room.

Yes, there was a "mafia" type shiny silver suit with matching fedora. Anything else would've been a disappointment to us all.

Yes, there was a kind and sweet exchange with the "tough guy" who guided us through the past nine weeks of Hell.

Yes, there was a certificate with my name on it.

Yes, my dear husband and sweet girl arrived safely in Las Vegas to rescue me.

Yes, there was a lovely reception after graduation.

Yes, there were a few more tears as I said good-bye to my dear friends, those with whom I share a special bond unlike any other.

Yes, I will miss a certain staff member or two.

Yes, I will miss Bikram as well as his music and especially the "lonely" song which he sometimes sings after class is over if he sees someone looking particularly sad.

Yes, I am terrified of teaching my first class!

On the other hand...

No, I did not get sentimental as I left the hotel.

No, I do not ever think I'll feel the same way about the word "Hilton" again.

No, I will not miss Las Vegas.

No, I will not miss the noise of slot machines or hotel lobby 80's soundtrack music constantly playing over every speaker in the place.

No, I will not miss the smell of cigarette smoke seeping through the adjoining hotel room.

No, I will not miss scaly and dry skin (and nose and eyes).

No, I will not miss three showers per day.

No, I will not miss the lecture hall CHAIRS!! They are the true "torture chamber."

No, I will not miss taking a cab to the grocery store once a week for supplies.

No, I will not EVER drink Gatorade again in my life.

No, I will not miss worrying about drinking constantly to replace fluids and electrolytes, or eating constantly to ensure that energy is sufficient to survive the next yoga class.

No, I will not miss two yoga classes each day, every day.

No, I don't believe that the dialogue will just "come out of my mouth" when I teach my first class.

No, I don't think that I have ever in my entire life been more exhausted mentally as well as physically.

And, finally...

Yes, I can now say that "My name is Marcia. I am your yoga teacher."

Can You Believe It?

Final week is finished. My countdown clock is exploding with fireworks. I can't believe it's coming to an end. Can't believe I have completed this training process.

I'm sitting here in the hotel room, on a break from packing, and taking a few minutes to write before meeting some friends for lunch one last time and then going to graduation this afternoon. I can hardly believe that my suitcase is sitting on my bed and that I'll be seeing Mark and Maggie in a few hours, then will be able to make my own schedule. It's hard to believe. I'm walking around this week thinking many of the same thoughts that I thought during Week One.

Am I really here in Las Vegas?

Seriously...a Bikram yoga teacher...me?

What am I doing here?

How can I have possibly done this for nine weeks?

Did I just DO this?

I can NOT believe it!

I started the week feeling like it would be the longest week of my life. I didn't know how I was going to make it through eleven more classes. I did not think it was possible to be as tired and worn out as I was. And yet, it was the final week. The fact that every time was the "last time" we were doing whatever we were doing was just enough to get through the day. The staff kept telling us to stay present and enjoy the lectures and teachers we would be having during the week and so I did my best to do just that. I found myself just sitting and observing everyone before classes began, watching them walk to the sign-in desk, sit around and chat. The mood was definitely more relaxed than previous weeks. It was great to see everyone smiling just a bit more. I think we were all sort of in disbelief...and euphoric, if I might add.

Bikram surprised us all this week with his flashy outfits for afternoon lecture. He arrived to the lecture tent on Monday afternoon dressed in his usual track suit top and bottoms, sunglasses, and baseball hat, but when he got up on the stage and removed his jacket, he revealed a light blue sequined T-shirt which, of course, got the exact response that he anticipated from all of us...lots of hooting and hollering and woo-hooing. When he took off his pants to reveal matching shorts....the crowd went wild. He told us he had to dress for "special posture clinic" today, so he needed to have on clothing in which he could move freely. The remainder of the week showed more of the same great sparkly outfits, different colors every day. One day there were flames on his shorts. It was something to look forward to each day.

Bikram gave some fascinating lectures this week and thankfully we were also able to get to bed at a reasonable hour most nights, so staying present to absorb the information in lecture was possible.

Throughout the week, he took us through each posture, having demonstrators go up on stage to show us the key points for each and what to look for with our students in the classroom. Still, he emphasized that a lot of the learning will come from teaching and gaining experience, as well as from relying on the experienced teachers at our studios back home. There was a definite change in his manner, at least I thought so. Oh sure, he was cracking the usual jokes, telling the same stories, and enjoying the attention from his 350 "children," but he seemed a bit more, I don't know how to describe it...gentle, kind, loving...more fatherly toward us all. We saw the kinder gentler side of Bikram this week. I think it's more of his true self, the stuff that is behind all of the showmanship and funny jokes and stories. I think that he gave a little more of himself to us because it was Week Nine and we were as good as "teachers" now. It was a nice to really "see" him.

During the end of last week and throughout this final week, a few of my friends were so tired and feeling sad. They just weren't themselves any longer and I felt sad for them. Some were so angry about having sustain one more week of "the process," some were anxious about what situation they were going to be returning home to. I felt like they just weren't themselves any longer and it made me sad. But, in the final days, I slowly saw a return of who they truly were. This is such a tough thing on so many levels. And even when it's over, it's not over. A new chapter is opening up and some people don't know what that holds for them. Again, I feel so fortunate to know what I am returning to. How lucky am I? I can't believe it.

A few highlights this week...

Craig Villani appeared this week (some of us were calling him "The Closer") and we were able to listen to a few of his lectures as well as take his class twice this week. He is a dynamic speaker and leads a powerful yoga class. I've been hearing about Craig for quite some time now from teachers who went to training when he was the teacher training director, so it was great to see him and hear the "Craigisms" that people always talk about. Craig is the inventor of the "yoga truck" concept. That's the truck that hits you...then just when you think you are gonna get up and recover, you hear the "beep, beep, beep...' as it backs up and runs you over again. Yoga truck definitely found me during Week Seven. No question.

We had a teacher this week named Juan who is a tiny guy who has more energy and more muscles than you would think possible. His class was motivating and inspirational as well as very very funny.

We saw a demonstration of the advanced class this week. Emmy taught and all of the senior teachers and many staff members participated. We were able to see some amazing yogis doing some amazing postures. Bikram took class and it was great to see him in class instead of just up on the podium teaching. He and Emmy have a great time getting on each other's nerves. I think Emmy is about the only person who will "talk back" to Bikram. He told us that he was so sore the next day after that class, that even his hair hurt.

Bikram talked again about food during lecture this week and about how our society has a problem with overweight people who can't stop eating. He was actually quite funny talking about what he observes while people-watching when he's out, (we've all seen it and we've all thought what only Bikram will dare say out loud in front of a crowd) but through all of his humor, he does have a point. If our society doesn't start taking better care of themselves, our country is going to have a problem that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Emmy and Rajashree returned this week and both of them taught in our final days of class. We had the opportunity to ask questions of them as well as to hear some of our fellow trainees share their stories of how they found Bikram yoga and how it, literally, saved some of their lives. I don't think there was a dry eye in the lecture hall yesterday afternoon. Last night's talent show also led me to shed a few tears. So many people here with amazing talent to share. I was moved to tears on more than one occasion just by listening to the performances.

Several friends gathered around each other during class this week, knowing that we would not have the chance to practice near each other again for a long time, if ever. We paid no attention to the line assignments during the final days and just set our mats up close to each other, happy for a friend nearby to lend some support and energy. We even took the liberty of having a laugh and making a joke on occasion, breaking the rule of stillness and silence that is sustained during a 90 minute Bikram yoga class. During our final class, I was lucky enough to be sandwiched in-between two Australian beauties who I have grown so fond of over the 9 weeks. Such great energy between the two of them. During Full Locust Pose, where you spread your arms out like airplane wings and lift up like an airplane, you always touch your neighbor here in training because we are so close to each other, so I took the liberty of messing with them as only a fellow yogi can do by pushing down on their arms as they were trying to lift up. This got a big chuckle out of everyone. But, not as huge as when, during Floor Bow (where you are on your stomach, holding your feet behind you, lifting up from the floor "like a wheel," if you can imagine that), Australian Beauty Number One took her pointer finger and just sort of tapped me, causing me to fall over sideways in a fit of laughter. This was such a surprise for me that I could not resist doing the same to Australian Beauty Number Two on my other side during the second set, causing more laughter, like a row of dominoes tipping over one by one. I know it's just yoga humor, but we have to find something to laugh at after nine weeks of torture!

Final Class...has to be the most energized class of my life. Thank goodness for the had-to-be-at least 500 people in the tent cuz it really produced a lot of energy and I was really needing it then. I swear my body "knew" it was Week Nine and it was just barely able to hold on and make it through the final days of class. Without energy from the folks in the room, it would've been so hard. I don't know what it will be like to only have 25-30 people in a small room back at home. Or what it will be like to have a silent final savasana...no Bikram music tracks playing. No floor bouncing up and down as those who are leaving the tent walk by you, a small stampede in your ear. How lovely to have some quiet time at the end of class again. (Although, secretly...or not so much really since I'm writing this for all to read...I will miss the Bikram music tracks.)

I met a wonderful couple in the elevator one evening as I was heading down to the lecture hall. They were Jim and Alice, locals who come in a couple of times a week to have a meal at the buffet. (Apparently, the locals get a great discount.) They don't come for the gambling...just for the food. And, I guess after enough time spent at the Hilton, they recognize a yoga teacher trainee when they see one. They've talked with some of us over the course of the 9 weeks. They struck up a conversation with me and proceeded to tell me how proud they were of my accomplishment and that they know how it must be so difficult to leave your home life, spend lots of money, and be working so hard for nine weeks. The shook hands with me and wished me the very best. Complete strangers who really made me feel like they cared about me. How great was that?

A few lowlights from the week...

Unfortunately the "chakra lady" (who really does have a name, but it's not at my fingertips right now) was not able to come to speak at training this year. Bikram told us that she was meditating...no one can communicate with her until she is finished. And I guess she only finishes when she decides to finish. No one knows when that will be. No one knows where she is. My friend Molly told me that she would like to try that on her kids. "Mommy is going into meditation now and cannot be reached until she decides to come out." Wouldn't we all like to do that at some point in our lives?

I don't think I have ever been so swollen in my life. By evening lecture each night of the week, I would look down at my feet and I could actually see and feel that even they were bloated. I can't wait for all of this water to let go. I could barely bend my toes in the evenings. My friend Sarah calls this a "yoga baby" and says that it will go away soon, and we won't have the late-night feedings and diaper changes to deal with.

And...again with the crying! Seriously? How much MORE can I cry during this 9 weeks?? Happy tears, sad tears, tired tears, my knees hurt tears, that was the most beautiful thing I've seen/heard/experienced tears. Every kind of tears. No wonder I am so tired!

Every time I look in the mirror and see my reflection, I think to myself, "Oh, God! You look terrible!" The need for a haircut, the dark circles under my eyes, the acne on my face, the strange red dots on my skin (we think it's the bleach in the towels), the general "bloated" look, the tiredness that is "inside" the eyes, the dry scaly skin...where is my yoga glow? Why don't my clothes fit anymore? We were all laughing about our friends and family back home who are all expecting us to return from 9 weeks of so much yoga in the best shape of our lives. Quite the contrary, I'm sorry to say. If you are one of the people who will actually SEE me when I return, please refrain from commenting or gasping with shock. We both will know that I'm "puffy" and if it's true, what "they" say, the puffy stuff will go away in a month or so. Then you can tell me that I'm looking good. Even if I'm still not looking good, go ahead and feel free to say it anyway.

I've been walking around all week saying things like, "You know...I have never felt better in my entire life?" "I have never looked better." "I have never been happier." "I have never had better muscle tone." "I have never had a more perfectly functioning digestive system." "I literally can't believe how GREAT I look and feel." This always gets a good laugh out of whoever is within earshot. Cuz most of the folks I know (myself included) are feeling pretty "broken," for lack of a better word, at the moment.

Well, highlights and lowlights recorded. Final week finished. Now there is just graduation to look forward to. And reuniting with my most wonderful husband and precious little girl. I really, seriously, can hardly believe it.

"When I hear someone say 'don't,' my little inner child raises his little middle finger." Craig Villani

"Thirty seconds in this posture is the same as thirty YEARS of sleep." Craig during Half Tortoise posture, at the point where you are relaxing into the posture, which is very restorative and many Bikram teachers take a moment to quote Bikram's words here. He has said time and again that thirty seconds in this posture is like your body having 8 hours of sleep. When you are actually IN the posture, coming toward the end of class, and you are tired, your inner voice will usually say things like, "yeah...right" and "I'd rather have the 8 hours, thank you very much" and "where is the research on THAT?"

"That's what you pay for." Bikram

"Can you believe it?" Bikram

Energy Follow Up

Okay...so amazing story here.

Get ready.

You ready?

At least I find it amazing.

You may find it coincidence.

Or bullshit.

But I'm going to write about it anyway.

Last week I posted the whole "energy" thing. How I didn't have any, how the yoga room was so hot that it literally sucked the life out of me, how I cried all week due to exhaustion from having no energy. All of it. Right? (It's okay to go back and review if you need to. Much as I would like to believe that anyone out there who is reading my blog is committing every word to memory, I realize this may not be true.)

So, I got an email the other day from one of the super amazing practitioners at the Richmond Studio...and she said that she took a communications class last week and her homework was to, basically, give someone some energy! How about THAT? So...it's gonna get better.

Her message said that she was attempting to push some energy my way during her standing head to knee posture in class that day. She said that she thought a strong, steady energy was just what I might be needing about now. How thoughtful, huh? And so true.

And let me add that I don't even know Kelly that well. Our paths haven't crossed that often at the studio. I just know of her and her amazing yoga practice. She is a bit of a legend in my mind. One of those people who you can't help but watch during class because her postures are so beautiful.

So, this was on Wednesday during her morning class in Richmond. Early, 6 AM class. That would have been 3 AM Vegas time. That was when she was sending me some "energetic thoughts."

So, here in Las Vegas, I was taking class for the second time that same day, the 5PM class. (8PM Richmond time) And, for the first time during the entire training, as I was attempting my standing head to knee posture, I was really thinking about it. I was thinking things like, "Why can I still not kick out very well after 8 weeks of practicing?" And, "Why is my standing knee still wobbling?" And, "When will this posture EVER improve for me?" And, "I wonder what kind of mental block I have that is causing me to not be able to complete the next step of this posture??" And, "I'm supposed to be setting an example as a teacher when I return...how can a teacher still have a sucky Standing Head To Knee Posture???" On and on, thoughts going through my head about Standing Head To Knee. (For you non yogis, this posture is one in which you take turns standing on one leg, balancing there, and you pick up the other leg with your hands together, fingers interlocked like a stirrup...and you straighten the leg you are holding in front of you, then you balance there for a minute before you sort of roll forward, tucking your chin in to your stomach and you touch your forehead on the extended knee. VERY difficult posture, requiring lots of strength flexibility and mental determination.)

So, I'm sort of obsessively thinking about the posture while performing the posture, hoping that it will get better for me. Some day. Eventually. In the future.

I woke up next day and received the email message. Oh...how thankful was I for the energy and I emailed back to Kelly that "funny enough, during my class yesterday, I was really thinking very deeply about that particular posture." Then I sent a second message, just out of curiosity, to see if the time that Kelly was sending the energy matched up with the time I was actually in my class and concentrating on it.

No...Kelly sent her energy at 6 in the morning from Richmond, 3 in the morning Las Vegas.

But, the really cool part of the story is that when Kelly was typing and sending me her email, the time in Richmond was about 8:30 PM.

Got that?

8:30 PM in Richmond is 5:30 PM in Las Vegas!

5:30 PM is about the time I was working on Standing Head To Knee posture in my class!!!

I couldn't make up a story like this if I tried, honestly!

Makes me believe a little bit more in the power of positive energy! You should, too!

Or that it is just coincidence.

Or bullshit.

The great thing is that you can believe what you want.

Will I Really Miss It?

So, from the very beginning of teacher training, the staff ("staffs" as Manali says) have been telling us how we're going to miss this experience. They tell us over and over again how we'll be missing it...just wait and see. And our response is always and eye roll, a guffaw, something similar. So, my conclusion heading into Week Nine is this...

I will miss it equal and simultaneous, 50/50. In other words, some things, yes, I admit it, I will miss. But some things...not so much.

Went to dinner last night with a few friends. A sort of "last hurrah" since it's our final Saturday night to be totally "free" and yet still "captive." Still haven't gone "off campus" yet. It seems like way too much effort right now and when Mark and Maggie are here next week I know that I'll actually get to experience a different side of Las Vegas. So, while others are heading out on the town in taxis and exploring new places, I am content to "stay at home" and not wander far from the confines of the hotel. I have always enjoyed the comforts of home. Not that this is "home" by any means, but it has been a temporary home for what seems like a long time now.

This temporary home is one thing that I will definitely NOT miss.

At dinner, we decided that we have been here for a long, long time. Nine weeks may not be a 'long, long time," but it sure FEELS that way when we talk about "remember in our second week when..." Gosh...seems like SUCH a long time ago! My friend Lisa said it so well...9 weeks here is like 9 years, really. Everything is so concentrated and accelerated, so we figure we've known each other for a really long time. It's like "dog years." Same principle. And I will truly miss the people that I have come to spend so much time with over the past weeks. That is one thing I will definitely miss.

On Thursday night in posture clinic, we delivered our last posture, Spine Twist. When I was finished, I really did have a moment of nostalgia. Little throat lump. I will miss the support of my group. I will miss watching each of them deliver their dialogue in the way that only they can, showing their true personalities. I would love to take class from any of them, and I know that each class would be different. Will I miss sitting on the floor for hours at a time? Uh...no. But I will miss the smiling happy faces of Group Ten, for sure.

Another reflection from the dinner conversation...will we actually sit on the couch in our homes when we get back...or will we just automatically sit on the floor? Seems like breaking some rule to sit on furniture that is comfortable. Will we look for a sign-in sheet every time we enter our house? Will we bring a bag of ICE to yoga class and sprinkle the cubes around our towel in some crazy sort of ceremonial "blessing of the towel/mat...I know this will help me survive the next 90 minutes ritual" prior to class? Will we eat meals sitting on our bed? Will we ever feel the same way about staying at a hotel? What will it be like to spread our arms out to the side like airplane wings and NOT touch another person? What will it be like to walk into the yoga room and not be obsessed with finding the right spot, because every spot is a good spot? I will not miss the giant yoga "tent" room with the moving ceiling and the moving sheets of mylar "mirrors." (Yes, Honey...I know that word is supposed to have a little trademark symbol or whatever, but I don't think I have that on my computer...is this acknowledgment enough?)

And what about the strange sort of "Pavlovian responses" that we all have now? Like...when you hear a word in random conversation and in your brain, you automatically attach a line of dialogue to it.

Example...someone says "eventually" in a conversation. Bikram yoga teacher's brain says "...in the future." Automatic. No choice.

Example...someone says "solid" and Bikram yoga teacher's brain follows up with "...one piece, lamppost, unbroken." Automatic. No choice.

Example...someone says "hands" and BY teacher's brain attaches "palms" to it. Again. Automatic. No choice.

I could go on and on here.

As Misha, senior teacher here and one of our posture clinic leaders said this week...it's all part of the brainwashing. She said this with a smile, of course. (She has a great dry sense of humor and at the same time she is great with feedback during posture clinic. Plus...she gives you a piece of candy after you have given your dialogue!) Not that it's bad brainwashing...just brainwashing. It's amazing how much you remember without even thinking about it. I am actually glad for the "brainwashing" because I am hoping that this will serve me well when I start to teach. Teachers say there is a point where you can say the dialogue without having to think so much because it is just "in your brain" and that is when you really can focus on other things. I will look forward to that time. I will not "miss" feeling like I can't recall the next word of dialogue.

Now that studying dialogue for posture clinic is over, there is a strange feeling of "what am I doing with my time?" going on inside my head. It seems like I have so much extra time because I am not cramming dialogue into my brain during every spare moment! I used my extra time yesterday to soak in a bath of Epsom salts, start reviewing dialogue postures from weeks ago, open the magazine that I bought during Week One and actually flip through it, and nap. A most restful day, truly needed. Today I will color my hair, type my blog post for the week, Skype with my family, and review dialogue. I almost feel like I should be out having "fun," but I don't know when I'll have such concentrated quiet study time again, so as nerdy as it seems, I'm going to use the day to study. Fun will happen next week when Mark and Maggie arrive.

So...Week Eight. I would say "I'll be brief," but it seems that I am never brief with these posts.

You can always break it up. Go and get some coffee or something and come back later to finish reading. I can't help myself. I don't want to leave anything out.

I was dreading Week Eight. End of Week Seven, my throat was sore and I could feel that I might be coming down with something. I'm sure this had NOTHING to do with being next to Elephant Guy during Week Six and receiving his "gift" of airborne germs. Nonetheless... by last Sunday I was definitely sick, swollen glands in my neck, couldn't breathe through my nose due to congestion, feeling awful. Woke up on Monday morning feeling pretty bad. So, after "crybaby week" the previous week, I was fully anticipating that Week Eight was going to be even worse due to my being sick on top of everything else. Something like "sick crybaby week."

Just goes to show you...never anticipate. Just like in yoga class. You never know what you're gonna get. You think you're gonna have the worst class of your life and it turns out to the the best. Or you think you're gonna be amazing today and then you fall flat on your rear end. It's a big general theme here...not anticipating things, not expecting that things will turn out a certain way. "They" force this philosophy upon you by not telling you too many things in advance, so there is no forward thinking, no planning, and you get used to it. Still, for someone like myself who is a big planner-aheader...it's hard not to have expectations.

Planner-aheader. Another new word. Love it when that happens. I just might miss the time that I have here to reflect on things. And my blogging time. I'll miss that.

I am pleasantly surprised now to look back on Week Eight and say that it was an okay week. Yes, I was sick and I felt pretty miserable for about half of the time, but I made it through. The yoga room was not so ridiculously hot as last week and it was actually possible to complete the classes, (and not just to "survive" the classes) so it turned out okay. I didn't take any cold medicine because of having to be in the hot room twice a day...not a good idea to take medicine that might make you "loopy," for lack of a better term. I slept sort of sitting up at night. And I survived. There was a lot of nose blowing in class (I did bring my own tissues and kept them to myself, in my own space, I might add...Elephant Guy...I'm just sayin') and I did not lower my head for a couple of days due to the pressure of feeling like it might explode...but I survived. The only thing that remains is a little congestion. I was told to "have more energy" during dialogue delivery early in the week...I guess when you feel feverish and sick, you won't have energy for posture clinic, so...whatever. My posture clinic response was "thank you very much" with a smiling happy face. I don't think I'll "miss" posture clinic.

So, with the thought of all of the stuff I might "miss" from teacher training when I get home, I now start to think about "reentry" and what that will be like. I'm thinking about all of the stuff from my "former life" that I have missed since being here. It's a bit of an overwhelming thought, I must admit. And I know that thinking about the future is not what I am supposed to be doing right now. I'm supposed to be "staying present" and not "check out" during this final week which is supposed to be the most fabulous information-filled week of all. But, being a Planner-Aheader, I can't help but think to next month when I return home to real life. I'm looking forward to so many things. I know you don't want me to start on that new topic now, as this blog post is already lengthy enough. I'll save it for another time.

I spoke with Garland yesterday and we talked about putting me on the teaching schedule. Uh...okay. Wait a minute. Now I have to teach??? Wow...I mean I know that is why I came here in the first place and all, but am I really ready to TEACH??? To be responsible for actual students in a real studio and not just my fellow trainees in posture clinic??? How am I going to do that? Will I remember what I am supposed to remember? Lynn Witlow told us this week that "Each and every one of you in this room could teach a class right now if you had to. I know you might not believe me, but it's true. Might not be exactly 90 minutes, every word perfect...but you could do it. You know this yoga so much better than you think you do." So, I have to believe her. Just like I had to believe my Richmond teachers when they said that I could make it through training.

So, reentry.

Who is going to understand me? Who will be able to relate to "the process?" Who will I talk to about it all? All of my fellow trainees are about to spread out to all parts of the world. They won't be around to talk with (okay....to complain about stuff with). I am in such a yoga bubble here...I know it will take some adjusting to be on the outside again. To drive a car. To make my own schedule. To have "freedom." To be an adult, make my own decisions. Wow!

I wonder if this is what prisoners feel like when their time is up and they walk out the gate.

Or maybe that is not such a nice way to put it.

Maybe it's what it feels like when you come out of a rehab facility.

Or maybe that is not such a nice way to put it either.

Maybe it's what it feels like to be released from a mental institution, declared "fit' for public interaction.

Or maybe that is not such a nice way to put it either.

However you put it, I know it will take some adjusting. But from what I understand (and, again...have to believe), I am in for the most rewarding job on the face of the planet. THAT is something to look forward to during my reentry.

And whether or not I'll be missing teacher training days...that question remains to be answered.

Eventually.

In the Future.

First, I have to survive Week Nine.

"Sit down Japanese style...unless you are Japanese...and then just sit down." Marlin from Headquarters who taught our class one morning this week. Hilarious!

"I HATE lazy people!" Bikram

"That's what you pay for." Bikram's comment on numerous occasions during the past 8 weeks, usually after something happens that we don't particularly like. Example...holding Triangle Pose for what seems like an eternity.

"How you guys are doing?" Manali's greeting to us every day before morning class.

"What is wrong? A spider? Don't worry. The spider is part of the process." Manali said this to someone in the front row of the yoga room just prior to the start of class one day when they were freaking out because a spider was crawling near their mat.

"Uh...flower petals don't bloom...has anyone noticed this? I mean...it's a flower PETAL. The entire flower is blooming, not JUST the petal!" My friend Molly talking about funny wording in the dialogue.

"You can NEVER duplicate this noise...even if you tried...you could not make a noise as annoying as this." Marcia said to Molly as we walked through the casino after last night's dinner.

"Wait! Ahhhhh...you guys smell that? Let's all stop here in the middle of the casino, enjoy that cigarette smokey smell, let's do some Pranayama breathing and FILL our lungs with that healthful smell..." Marcia said to the group as we came out of the restaurant and walked through the casino.

"Please don't let those girls be up there next weekend when my 8-year old is here." Marcia says to the group as we observe the table dancers entertaining folks gathered around the poker table in the same casino.

In The End...It Is About Energy

I don't even know where to begin this post. I hardly have the energy to use my fingers on the keyboard. I don't think I have ever felt so tired mentally and physically ever, like EVER, in my life. Maybe after giving birth...but that is all sort of a foggy memory, so I really can't compare. Plus, I think there were drugs involved in the birthing process in order to further block out what was happening. So, no drugs here. It's all crystal clear. I have NO ENERGY.

I am going to do my best to end each paragraph in this post with some form of the word "energy." I don't know why, but I thought this would be fun to try. Let's see how I do it. See if I have the energy...

This week was by far the toughest week. By leaps and bounds. At the end of week six, I was actually energized and feeling great, ready to memorize the last postures, power through "only three more weeks," and get done with teacher training. I was feeling like this was totally doable. I had oodles of energy!

End of week seven. Completely different point of view. Completely different energy.

The week started off looking promising. Only one class on Monday due to the holiday and the remainder of the day off. We were all able to rest up, get some extra studying in, and prepare for the week ahead. Stock up on energy.

Or so we thought.

Not so fast.

Temperatures here in Las Vegas this week took a steady climb from the lower 90s into the 100s. Oh, sure, there is "no humidity here." Like that is supposed to make a hundred and two degrees feel okay? Think again. A hundred and two degrees feels like a HUNDRED AND TWO degrees. And when it's still in the 90s as you walk down to the lecture hall for evening lecture, well, it's H-O-T outside. And, of course, hot outside means HOT inside the tent as well. People are dragging themselves around, in a constant state of tiredness due to the high heat and how difficult it is making two yoga classes a day. The heat seems to be depleting everyone of energy.

I really don't remember things from one day to the next because I am so tired. It's okay, because neither do my friends here, so I know it's not just my mind starting to fail. I know that it's everyone's minds! It's hard for the brain to work properly when you are running low on energy.

I am now dreaming about a time, eventually in the future, when I will be rested and actually feel energized.

So, following Monday's "holiday," the rest of the week went on as usual. Two classes each day and posture clinics. We are through Camel Pose right now, so the end is really so close that it's exciting. Classes were extremely hot and people were having to leave class. I went out of the tent on some day that I can't remember during the 5PM class. It was just too much for me. I have been crying in class all week, due to sheer exhaustion. It is said that crying is good because you are "letting go" of whatever you need to let go of.

Whatever. I don't know what I'm letting "go" of, but if it is energy, then I sure wish I could get it back!

All I know is that I am tired, I don't want to be doing this anymore, and I can't wait to get back to my real life, surrounded by the people I love. And to feel like "Marcia" again, to feel energized.

Maggie had her dance recital this weekend and it makes me extra sad that I wasn't there to see her. She sounded tired on the phone when I spoke with her on Saturday afternoon. She actually admitted that she was feeling "good, but tired" that day. I think when a kid will actually admit to being tired...well, then you KNOW that she really is probably beyond tired. She is also low on energy.

And Mark. Mark is hanging in there and working so hard to take care of everything, but I can hear it in his voice that he, too is ready for all of this to be over and for life to get back to normal. He also is in need of some energy.

We had several visiting teachers this week teach interesting classes. Some were great with very high energy. Others were not so great with not so high energy. For the first time in the yoga tent during one class this past week, I could actually "feel" that there was no energy coming from the teacher to the class OR from the class to the teacher. No one's fault...neither side was giving to the other. During all of our posture clinics over the past few weeks, the teachers keep stressing that we put our "energy" into it, and now I understand exactly why! It is so crucial for the students to receive energy from the teacher in order to know that they can make it through class (refer back to "mind over the matter" post). And, at the same time, the teacher gets energized from the students in order to make it through the class. That being said, posture clinic is such an artificial environment. It's like a dress rehearsal. I think the real energy will come when we start teaching and are able to create the energy and feel it coming from the students. Isn't there some scientific theory that says something about energy producing more energy?

Speaking of which...we had a lecture this week from Dr. Mani Bhaumik, author of "Code Name God." His lecture was about energy and fields of energy. It was brief, and we were wishing for more time with him, but it was an interesting afternoon. He tried to explain to us that the body/mind connection is so important in order for us to harness energy. In yoga class, for example, the more you can train your mind to tell your body what to do and when to do it, it's like tuning into a radio station. If you can find your "frequency," you will gain energy.

I sure could use an updated tuner. I sure could use some of that energy.

In order to be energized, a person has to eat, right? Well, finally it has been difficult to eat this week. Every day at the buffet, faced with the same food choices and having to eat as much protein as possible in order for muscles to recover and to have enough energy to survive the next class or the next day has become much of a challenge. I just don't feel hungry at all, and yet if I don't eat, I know I won't have what I need for yoga class...energy!

On this note, Bikram lectured this week on the topic of food. This is a very interesting topic to listen to him discuss. His mantra is "the best food is no food!" He talked about what happens to the food we eat, how it is distributed, how much we actually need and use and what is waste. Apparently, the "waste" accumulates in the stomach, where the skin is the thinnest and this is why we have big bellies (some of us...I know you don't if you are reading this!). What I know is that I seem to have accumulated a lot of "waste" over the past seven weeks. Two more weeks to go. At this rate, I won't fit into my graduation outfit! Bikram also told us that doing Camel Pose helps to increase the digestive enzymes in your stomach so that they can digest more food more efficiently. I think I need to add more Camels to my daily routine or no one will recognize me by the time I return to life. Bottom line, in his opinion, is that the more muscle you build, you can eat just about anything, just don't eat too much of it, and your body will use it efficiently, get rid of what it doesn't need, and there won't be any "leftovers" to accumulate around your stomach...or hips, thighs, or butt! Bikram likes to refer to this as "cottage cheese." He doesn't like to see "cottage cheese hanging," and will shout about this during class in order that we tighten our hip muscles properly. Funny.

He has gotten tough in class this week. He starts out with a lot of yelling and scolding various people if they are not trying sufficiently. He does not let anyone sit down anymore. Says if we are not dying, we can do the class and always adds that "You will not be so lucky to die in my class!" And after a while he complains to us that we are making his throat hurt because he has to yell so much. He gets quieter at the end of the class. Then after final savasana, always there is a song played over the speakers during this time...a tune from either of his two albums...he walks out and always gives us a compliment as he leaves. Always tells us something that we did in that class that day that was better than we did the day before. And even when you are feeling like you can't possibly get up and walk out of the class at this point because you are physically and emotionally exhausted, when the teacher says something positive to you, you get a tiny bit of energy and you are able to pick yourself up. Amazing what you can do with just a tiny bit of energy!

So, again, I have come up with an assignment for you. This week's assignment has to do with, of course...energy! Try it and see what happens. I don't know if it will work over the phone, but I am almost certain that it will work if you are face to face with someone. Or a group. Look for a situation that you might be in this week...at the checkout line somewhere with a cranky checkout person, in front of a classroom of cranky or ill-behaved students, going about your morning wake-up routine with you quiet or cranky family, no one speaking to each other. You get the idea. Look for a situation like that and try to do something or say something or exude something with positive energy. A smile, a nice compliment, asking a question to let the other person(s) know you are interested in them or care about them...and see what happens. I predict that you will be able to FEEL the energy rise. And the great thing about doing this is that not only will you be giving a great gift to someone else, but you will receive it back in an even greater quantity. It will carry you through the rest of your day. It is simply...energy.