Can You Believe It?

Final week is finished. My countdown clock is exploding with fireworks. I can't believe it's coming to an end. Can't believe I have completed this training process.

I'm sitting here in the hotel room, on a break from packing, and taking a few minutes to write before meeting some friends for lunch one last time and then going to graduation this afternoon. I can hardly believe that my suitcase is sitting on my bed and that I'll be seeing Mark and Maggie in a few hours, then will be able to make my own schedule. It's hard to believe. I'm walking around this week thinking many of the same thoughts that I thought during Week One.

Am I really here in Las Vegas?

Seriously...a Bikram yoga teacher...me?

What am I doing here?

How can I have possibly done this for nine weeks?

Did I just DO this?

I can NOT believe it!

I started the week feeling like it would be the longest week of my life. I didn't know how I was going to make it through eleven more classes. I did not think it was possible to be as tired and worn out as I was. And yet, it was the final week. The fact that every time was the "last time" we were doing whatever we were doing was just enough to get through the day. The staff kept telling us to stay present and enjoy the lectures and teachers we would be having during the week and so I did my best to do just that. I found myself just sitting and observing everyone before classes began, watching them walk to the sign-in desk, sit around and chat. The mood was definitely more relaxed than previous weeks. It was great to see everyone smiling just a bit more. I think we were all sort of in disbelief...and euphoric, if I might add.

Bikram surprised us all this week with his flashy outfits for afternoon lecture. He arrived to the lecture tent on Monday afternoon dressed in his usual track suit top and bottoms, sunglasses, and baseball hat, but when he got up on the stage and removed his jacket, he revealed a light blue sequined T-shirt which, of course, got the exact response that he anticipated from all of us...lots of hooting and hollering and woo-hooing. When he took off his pants to reveal matching shorts....the crowd went wild. He told us he had to dress for "special posture clinic" today, so he needed to have on clothing in which he could move freely. The remainder of the week showed more of the same great sparkly outfits, different colors every day. One day there were flames on his shorts. It was something to look forward to each day.

Bikram gave some fascinating lectures this week and thankfully we were also able to get to bed at a reasonable hour most nights, so staying present to absorb the information in lecture was possible.

Throughout the week, he took us through each posture, having demonstrators go up on stage to show us the key points for each and what to look for with our students in the classroom. Still, he emphasized that a lot of the learning will come from teaching and gaining experience, as well as from relying on the experienced teachers at our studios back home. There was a definite change in his manner, at least I thought so. Oh sure, he was cracking the usual jokes, telling the same stories, and enjoying the attention from his 350 "children," but he seemed a bit more, I don't know how to describe it...gentle, kind, loving...more fatherly toward us all. We saw the kinder gentler side of Bikram this week. I think it's more of his true self, the stuff that is behind all of the showmanship and funny jokes and stories. I think that he gave a little more of himself to us because it was Week Nine and we were as good as "teachers" now. It was a nice to really "see" him.

During the end of last week and throughout this final week, a few of my friends were so tired and feeling sad. They just weren't themselves any longer and I felt sad for them. Some were so angry about having sustain one more week of "the process," some were anxious about what situation they were going to be returning home to. I felt like they just weren't themselves any longer and it made me sad. But, in the final days, I slowly saw a return of who they truly were. This is such a tough thing on so many levels. And even when it's over, it's not over. A new chapter is opening up and some people don't know what that holds for them. Again, I feel so fortunate to know what I am returning to. How lucky am I? I can't believe it.

A few highlights this week...

Craig Villani appeared this week (some of us were calling him "The Closer") and we were able to listen to a few of his lectures as well as take his class twice this week. He is a dynamic speaker and leads a powerful yoga class. I've been hearing about Craig for quite some time now from teachers who went to training when he was the teacher training director, so it was great to see him and hear the "Craigisms" that people always talk about. Craig is the inventor of the "yoga truck" concept. That's the truck that hits you...then just when you think you are gonna get up and recover, you hear the "beep, beep, beep...' as it backs up and runs you over again. Yoga truck definitely found me during Week Seven. No question.

We had a teacher this week named Juan who is a tiny guy who has more energy and more muscles than you would think possible. His class was motivating and inspirational as well as very very funny.

We saw a demonstration of the advanced class this week. Emmy taught and all of the senior teachers and many staff members participated. We were able to see some amazing yogis doing some amazing postures. Bikram took class and it was great to see him in class instead of just up on the podium teaching. He and Emmy have a great time getting on each other's nerves. I think Emmy is about the only person who will "talk back" to Bikram. He told us that he was so sore the next day after that class, that even his hair hurt.

Bikram talked again about food during lecture this week and about how our society has a problem with overweight people who can't stop eating. He was actually quite funny talking about what he observes while people-watching when he's out, (we've all seen it and we've all thought what only Bikram will dare say out loud in front of a crowd) but through all of his humor, he does have a point. If our society doesn't start taking better care of themselves, our country is going to have a problem that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Emmy and Rajashree returned this week and both of them taught in our final days of class. We had the opportunity to ask questions of them as well as to hear some of our fellow trainees share their stories of how they found Bikram yoga and how it, literally, saved some of their lives. I don't think there was a dry eye in the lecture hall yesterday afternoon. Last night's talent show also led me to shed a few tears. So many people here with amazing talent to share. I was moved to tears on more than one occasion just by listening to the performances.

Several friends gathered around each other during class this week, knowing that we would not have the chance to practice near each other again for a long time, if ever. We paid no attention to the line assignments during the final days and just set our mats up close to each other, happy for a friend nearby to lend some support and energy. We even took the liberty of having a laugh and making a joke on occasion, breaking the rule of stillness and silence that is sustained during a 90 minute Bikram yoga class. During our final class, I was lucky enough to be sandwiched in-between two Australian beauties who I have grown so fond of over the 9 weeks. Such great energy between the two of them. During Full Locust Pose, where you spread your arms out like airplane wings and lift up like an airplane, you always touch your neighbor here in training because we are so close to each other, so I took the liberty of messing with them as only a fellow yogi can do by pushing down on their arms as they were trying to lift up. This got a big chuckle out of everyone. But, not as huge as when, during Floor Bow (where you are on your stomach, holding your feet behind you, lifting up from the floor "like a wheel," if you can imagine that), Australian Beauty Number One took her pointer finger and just sort of tapped me, causing me to fall over sideways in a fit of laughter. This was such a surprise for me that I could not resist doing the same to Australian Beauty Number Two on my other side during the second set, causing more laughter, like a row of dominoes tipping over one by one. I know it's just yoga humor, but we have to find something to laugh at after nine weeks of torture!

Final Class...has to be the most energized class of my life. Thank goodness for the had-to-be-at least 500 people in the tent cuz it really produced a lot of energy and I was really needing it then. I swear my body "knew" it was Week Nine and it was just barely able to hold on and make it through the final days of class. Without energy from the folks in the room, it would've been so hard. I don't know what it will be like to only have 25-30 people in a small room back at home. Or what it will be like to have a silent final savasana...no Bikram music tracks playing. No floor bouncing up and down as those who are leaving the tent walk by you, a small stampede in your ear. How lovely to have some quiet time at the end of class again. (Although, secretly...or not so much really since I'm writing this for all to read...I will miss the Bikram music tracks.)

I met a wonderful couple in the elevator one evening as I was heading down to the lecture hall. They were Jim and Alice, locals who come in a couple of times a week to have a meal at the buffet. (Apparently, the locals get a great discount.) They don't come for the gambling...just for the food. And, I guess after enough time spent at the Hilton, they recognize a yoga teacher trainee when they see one. They've talked with some of us over the course of the 9 weeks. They struck up a conversation with me and proceeded to tell me how proud they were of my accomplishment and that they know how it must be so difficult to leave your home life, spend lots of money, and be working so hard for nine weeks. The shook hands with me and wished me the very best. Complete strangers who really made me feel like they cared about me. How great was that?

A few lowlights from the week...

Unfortunately the "chakra lady" (who really does have a name, but it's not at my fingertips right now) was not able to come to speak at training this year. Bikram told us that she was meditating...no one can communicate with her until she is finished. And I guess she only finishes when she decides to finish. No one knows when that will be. No one knows where she is. My friend Molly told me that she would like to try that on her kids. "Mommy is going into meditation now and cannot be reached until she decides to come out." Wouldn't we all like to do that at some point in our lives?

I don't think I have ever been so swollen in my life. By evening lecture each night of the week, I would look down at my feet and I could actually see and feel that even they were bloated. I can't wait for all of this water to let go. I could barely bend my toes in the evenings. My friend Sarah calls this a "yoga baby" and says that it will go away soon, and we won't have the late-night feedings and diaper changes to deal with.

And...again with the crying! Seriously? How much MORE can I cry during this 9 weeks?? Happy tears, sad tears, tired tears, my knees hurt tears, that was the most beautiful thing I've seen/heard/experienced tears. Every kind of tears. No wonder I am so tired!

Every time I look in the mirror and see my reflection, I think to myself, "Oh, God! You look terrible!" The need for a haircut, the dark circles under my eyes, the acne on my face, the strange red dots on my skin (we think it's the bleach in the towels), the general "bloated" look, the tiredness that is "inside" the eyes, the dry scaly skin...where is my yoga glow? Why don't my clothes fit anymore? We were all laughing about our friends and family back home who are all expecting us to return from 9 weeks of so much yoga in the best shape of our lives. Quite the contrary, I'm sorry to say. If you are one of the people who will actually SEE me when I return, please refrain from commenting or gasping with shock. We both will know that I'm "puffy" and if it's true, what "they" say, the puffy stuff will go away in a month or so. Then you can tell me that I'm looking good. Even if I'm still not looking good, go ahead and feel free to say it anyway.

I've been walking around all week saying things like, "You know...I have never felt better in my entire life?" "I have never looked better." "I have never been happier." "I have never had better muscle tone." "I have never had a more perfectly functioning digestive system." "I literally can't believe how GREAT I look and feel." This always gets a good laugh out of whoever is within earshot. Cuz most of the folks I know (myself included) are feeling pretty "broken," for lack of a better word, at the moment.

Well, highlights and lowlights recorded. Final week finished. Now there is just graduation to look forward to. And reuniting with my most wonderful husband and precious little girl. I really, seriously, can hardly believe it.

"When I hear someone say 'don't,' my little inner child raises his little middle finger." Craig Villani

"Thirty seconds in this posture is the same as thirty YEARS of sleep." Craig during Half Tortoise posture, at the point where you are relaxing into the posture, which is very restorative and many Bikram teachers take a moment to quote Bikram's words here. He has said time and again that thirty seconds in this posture is like your body having 8 hours of sleep. When you are actually IN the posture, coming toward the end of class, and you are tired, your inner voice will usually say things like, "yeah...right" and "I'd rather have the 8 hours, thank you very much" and "where is the research on THAT?"

"That's what you pay for." Bikram

"Can you believe it?" Bikram